Suitable library
by thecurlyone
Summary: The Doctor and the Master attempt some Harry Potter role-play.Prequel to Wuthering is a significant provincial adjective.


This chapter is dedicated to thesmallhobbit. This is the prequel to Wuthering is a significant provincial adjective

* * *

The Master almost instantly regrets in deciding to play the Doctor's game of if-you-indulge-in-one-of-my-fantasies-i'll-indulge-in-one-of-yours (within reason of course). He had only agreed because he was sure he could "talk" the Doctor out of reasonableness later.

What should have been a fun evening of sex had turned into something more akin of how a retired couple looking to renovate a rundown wreck of a farmhouse might spend their time.

It was far too organised and logical, especially considering that this was the Doctor for one thing. Really should have been the Master's first clue how serious the Doctor was about having an authentic setting.

He had merely raised an eyebrow and had not commented when the Doctor had thrust along black robe, a rather bushy wig and what appeared to be novelty teeth at him.

"Here, put these on and go sit in the library and study some books about humans. Muggles, about muggles" he had all but snarled and then gave the Master a peck on the cheek to show that he wasn't angry with the Master, just the lack of good castles. Then he stalked off to change his own clothes and from what the Master understood of this ill-begotten plan, dye his hair red. The Master sighed and shook his head; this was far too much trouble.

They had spent much of today looking for the perfect castle. This proved difficult since it seemed that most of the castles in Scotland were hotels. Unable to get a good one or one that suited the Doctor, the Master decided to take matters into his own hands and hypnotised everyone in Balmoral to go sit in the kitchen. Worked like a charm and for once the Doctor didn't complain that much.

Then of course, there was the reconstruction of the staircases so they moved, along with the suits of armour and the installation of micro-holographic generators so there could be ghosts. The Master amused himself by reprogramming them so they looked like various earth dictators and some of the Doctor's former companions. The headless Martha Jones he found very amusing. It was even more amusing when the Doctor failed to notice her.

Then a suitable library had to be installed. _This_, the Master thinks is just too much trouble for sex.

He puts on the robes, which remind him too much of the initiates robes at the academy for his own liking but he refuses to wear the wig or teeth. Then he grabs a book and pretends to read about humans.

It's not surprising that the Master gets bored and ends up falling asleep on the table. The Doctor seems to find it adorable though and the Master is making a valiant attempt not to laugh at his hair when there is the unmistakable thud-thud sound of a military helicopter outside.

"This is your fault!" They accuse each other and leg it to the TARDIS.

Seems someone managed to hide when everyone else was being hypnotised and herded into the kitchen. Someone clearly well informed enough to know when and how to contact UNIT.

Quickly they dematerialize and deciding not to let all their preparations go to waste, have sex over the central console, which isn't the most comfortable.

*****

The Doctor is rightly uneasy a few days later when Martha calls him for help with some highly advanced technology that neither UNIT nor Torchwood has encountered before.

Grudging he agrees to meet her at Balmoral because they were afraid to move the technology, in case it would explode or something.

The TARDIS dematerialises out the front of the castle and the Doctor steps out, Master following him, the Doctor glances back, "Not a word."

The Master smirks and mimes zipping his lips.

They are pointed in the direction of Martha, who unfortunately at that moment seems to be interviewing one of the "victims."

"I know you've been questioned before but-" Martha is saying when the woman looks up and goes pale.

"Aliens!" she screeches out and takes off down the lawn.

"Humans are such dreadful bigots" the Master remarks calmly watching the fleeing woman, "good runners though."

Martha clears her throat loudly, she has folded her arms and is clearly giving the Doctor he's-evil-and-a-bad-influence-on-you look.

The Doctor grins at her and the Master has the sinking suspicion that the Doctor actually has this one under control and isn't going to be shouted at after all.

"So, lead on Martha, show us where those Nephergiums left our stuff"

"Nepher-?"

"Yes Nephergiums, nasty shape shifting stowaways of creatures. Jumps on ships, takes the form of the occupants, steals technology and then takes off. We've been hunting them for the last week. Finally caught up with them a few hours ago."

The Master plays his part by keeping a straight face and looking bored.

Martha leads them inside, gesturing around, "this stuff is everywhere, the stairs, paintings, and armour is all wired up. And there are all these weird ghost things. We're not sure what they were trying to do, we think it was some sort of kidnapping plot."

"Ah" says the Doctor with the air of someone who knows a great many things, "I think not. The Nephergiums are tricksters mainly, probably just wanted to give the Queen a bit of a fright. So you can tell UNIT we've got this under control and head home."

Martha bites her lip and looks like she wants to argue, "If you're sure...?"

"Positive!" the Doctor chirps and then hands the Master a modified, non-harmful version of his laser screwdriver, "things would really go better if it was just us, really."

The Master gives her his most charming smile to back up the point.

*****

One of the UNIT soldiers comes up to her when she comes out, a new colonel who is technically in charge of this operation but knows enough to know to let Martha takeover.

"Well? What do ye think?"

"I think," she says blinking in the oblique sunlight and wishing for a stiff drink, "that we busted in, in the middle of aliens having kinky sex."

"Again?" the colonel grunts and marches away to move out his troops.


End file.
